He sleeps

My Coastie is here and he sleeps. Exhausted from flying he fell asleep on the sofa and I was unable to wake him. Mother Bing tells me she will wake him later to send him to his bed. She sent me home to rest for myself.

I have spoken to Coastie of my intentions. He says it is not important. I said it is important to me. He has not seen so much of my skin as he will see. Mother Bing and Cherry will bring him tomorrow. I will be well supervised.

Mother Bing asks why I think of this as important. I told her it is as when buying a car. One would not buy it only having looked at the brochure. One must see for themselves it is sound and the paint does not hide critical flaws. In like manner, Coastie must see that what scars I have do not change his desire for me. Would it be just of me to with hold this information from him until our wedding night? I think not.

It is enough he must buy this car with no test drive. He will be required to trust me. ;)

Sleepless

I am sleepless tonight. It is not for the usual reason.

Tomorrow I go to the airport to greet Coastie. His return to me is a day early. I will not complain of it. He needs only to return to his office and report to them. He is mine after that is complete until Monday.

Well... not completely mine. I must share him with the Bings at times. Those times which are ours we will spend as we wish. I have borrowed a horse, Cherry's truck, and horse trailer. I will take coastie to a trail area where the trails wander through the forest and along the Willamette River. Lunches and dinners will be at varied restaurants I enjoy.

I hope to be close to his reach as much as is possible. I will be away only after Father Bing sends me to my house for the night. I suspect I am not trusted. Mother Bing has requested I allow oldest niece to stay at my house during her visit despite there being space for her at Mother Bing's house.

I smile when thinking of the conversations that occur with Mother and Father Bing concerning Coastie. It is difficult to express what I feel knowing of them. I am disappointed when it seems they do not trust my judgement. At the same moment I am warmed by their worries for me.

What a strange life will my husband have. He will be required to become accustomed to the strangeness that accompanies a Chinese wife. Also, my husband will have extra parents that he would not face with another bride. I will retain the Bings as parents beside my mother and father. They have treated me as their daughter. I will not abandon them.

Coastie seems to accomodate these things. There are still moments I see confusion in his eyes. Most times are because I have not thought of my actions and have done what is usual for me.

My hope is that he finds enough interest in me to continue past the confusion and discover that which is me. The package is small. It is marked with many imperfections that I wish could be hidden from his view. My fear is he will find the scars more than he is able to accept. I have seen myself in the mirror. Many places are not soft or smooth.

I have been told "Looks are not everything." This is true. But I also know it to be true that it is prefered to pet soft fur rather than crocodile skin. I do not wish my husband to have regrets or wish for something other than I am able to offer. I have decided to ease my worries and show Coastie the scars. Not all, as that would be inappropriate. He will see enough that he is able to know what is.

I worry for silly things.

Relaxing

My fingers are numb. I have played much attempting to become familiar with the new violin. The touch is not disagreeable. I remember where my fingers should go to. But all that is new. I must learn where this violin wishes me to place my fingers.

I have been asked to show pictures of my house so

I have chosen ones to show.

This is my house. It is larger than it seems. Some decoration I will change to suit myself. Others would require more effort than seems logical.

Whatever it is I change I will do so slowly that I do not change my house very much only to find I have changed a thing that can not be undone.

To the left side is my room. This is where I play music. This is where I am alone when I need solitude. Very few are permitted here at those times.

This is my stable/barn. It is small but it need only keep 1 horse. Perhaps in future it will permanently keep 2.

Hay is kept at the left of the door. This is a difference from Cherry's barn. Her hay is kept high in the loft. I must store on pallets to protect it from water if it runs heavy down the hill. Still, it is easier to get from the floor so I am satisfied with the risk of it.

The pasture is small but how much room does one

horse require? Peevy seems happy to wander alone for the present.

If it seems not enough for him I am permitted to open the gate Cherry's pasture. I do not now only to keep myself from chasing Peevy when I wish to ride. He is disobedient at times.

My times of most frustration with him is after he has decided to visit his former home. He has done it often enough that he is becoming skilled in Chinese language. If he should speak it someday I am likely to be ashamed for I have been his only teacher.

This is the front pasture I must lease to Cherry.

My father could mistake the cows for being mine. They are not.

As you see, it is not so pretty in autumn. Especially when the cows graze the grass away.

What you see to the first trees is mine. All else you see beyond is Cherry's. She sold me this 18 acres. The sale is not noticeable on the maps. She has more than 100 acres remaining.

When I have more than empty walls, I will show you inside. For the now, here is my public room.
It is the place I have my guests. It seems comfortable to me. Mother Bing assisted me to choose furnishings.

Soon I will take more photos and show the bed that cost me my violin.

Looking back to my year

I have thought of the year gone by. I know there is yet a small time before it is ended but I will write of it now.

There have been many events that are worthy to mention. The first is Peevy. I have not regretted buying him. There have been many enjoyable hours upon his back. To be sure, retrieving that wayward horse at 3 am on occaision was not enjoyed but I must look on the whole time rather than those few moments.

Taking Peevy to the horse shows was great fun for me. He gained a ribbon that I have now hung at his stall. I wish for all to see he is a good horse. In summer I will show him myself and we will attempt more ribbons. Cherry has been teaching me that which I need to know.

I have changed my work this year. I became uninspired by my work at Intel. I sought change but not with real intentions. I visited several companies for reviewing their positions and made application to them. I did not do so with seriousness. I asked for many things I thought unreasonable. It was fear that caused me to do so I think. Intel was stable for me. To take a different path includes risk. Also, my father was not pleased with my thoughts. He insisted I must keep loyal to Intel. In the end of things, it was well for me to leave as my position no longer exists since they have reduced the work force. How silly would Father's insisting seem after they did not show loyalty to me?

Think of my surprise when one company agreed to my requests. I asked for such silly things as a labeled parking space, 15% increase of my former salary, and other equally unreasonable things. I remain surprised of the agreement. Also, I enjoy this new position very much. I am again challenged. Rather than waking at morning and grudgingly preparing, I again find myself leaping from my bed with eagerness to face the day. I may speak of a network that is of my hands rather than seeking the mind of another's creation.

A simple thing I have done for my own amusement regarding the network, I have left "easter eggs" in the wiring for future network technicians to discover. One is an obscure wire to a plate that serves nothing. There is only a message attatched to the plate congratulating the finder and rewarding them with a small chinese coin.

I aquired a house this year. It was long before I thought I would be able. With honesty, if Cherry did not sell it to me it would not have happened. That is because she has become my banker. After a year I am to finance the house again so that it will make my credit better. I have 18 acres, a 3 bedroom house, and a small stable. I am happy for having it.

Not all things have been good. My Dora was lost to me as I traveled to horse shows. I feel the loss still but as with all such things it eases each day. There is still Fat Luey who follows me everywhere. He needed a playmate since moving to our home so I brought a kitten that I have named Nangua. His color is like a pumpkin. It fits him.

My violin was recently lost through accident. It was quickly replaced and I learn the new one. It will not replace my old violin. How do you replace a lost friend? I see it as discovering a new friend. We have much time to learn of each other.

I have a horse but have lost my kitten. I have a new home but have lost my violin. Life is such a task master. When it gives, it requires a thing in return. Gain has met loss but I am thinking I am fortunate to have the balance.

I look to have the same in this next year. We will see what life requires of me.

Wide eyes and agreements

I visited the furniture store Saturday. The manager was very apologetic. He assured me the store will replace my violin. I need only give them information of my former violin. I did so.

This morning I received a telephone call from the store. The owner regrets the situation and has decided he will "remedy the situation quickly." He asked me again the details of my violin. I read him the label again. It was made by Bai LiXing. At this he sighed and said he will see to the replacement immediately.

As I arrived home I was met by a UPS car. I thought this odd. A woman approached and asked if I was who she sought. After asking me to show identification sign her board she gave me a package.

I do not often receive packages but especially from New York. I opened the small crate to find another box which I also opened. Inside I found a violin. It looked much like my former violin. I inspected it and found it to be made by Bai LiXing and only 3 years after the former. I am surprised at the speed of replacement. I will be sure to thank the owner.

I now understand the sigh of the owner after reading the shipping documents. There was a detail stating the amount of insurance for the package. The insurance was $2000.00! 8^O

I am almost afraid to touch this new one. Before, it was only my violin, special for having been with me but not thought of much value. Now, it is a $2000.00 violin.

I have placed it on the stand and look at it now. It has been well played but also well tended. I think of the former owner and why they would part with it. Did they not become as one when playing? Did they not speak together as the bow was drawn? I will never know the reason I suppose. It is now for me to learn this violin.

The lesson begins.

Tragedy

Today there was a delivery at my house. I now have a new bed for Jiao. This is good for her as she won't sleep on the floor.

Upon my arrival at my home I discovered I now have no violin. A delivery person, without purpose, hit it from it's stand on the table nearby then stepped upon it. The body is now crushed and unrepairable.

For some, this seems hardly a loss. For me it is a great loss as this violin was a gift from my first teacher when I was 8 years. It has been a part of me. I soothed myself when excited. It was a help for my concentration. The music removed me from all distraction. I need not look to it. I every part of it was in my memory. I could know it from others only by touch. Perhaps there is something you have held as close and understand this thinking.

The store apologizes very much and ensures Mother Bing they will replace it. I am happy for that. Tomorrow I must visit them and discover their means of replacing my violin.

I must prepare

My father's visit has moved me to begin preparing. I have much to do. I have none of the Four Men of Honor. I have no decorations of Feicui.

Father is traditional. He grieves for the traditional values that are discarded each day. For this reason I must open my chest of Qipao and press them. I must also practice my hair. It has been too long since I have worn them. I must remind myself of each.

For some who do not know of Qipao they are a traditional dress of China. They are meant to display a woman's grace and beauty. When wearing them all must be precise. The hair must be so, certain jewelry may only be worn with each dress, shoes must match perfectly. My father will note any mistakes. I do not wish him to believe I have forgotten to be Chinese. Also, what will Jiao think of me if I am unable to dress properly? I will also wear American clothing I have become accustomed to but I must show I am able to dress Chinese as well.

This is what it is to be a Chinese woman in America. I have become accustomed to American ways of eating, speaking, dressing, etc. But I must not forget those things that make me Chinese. It is not such an easy thing. In America, wearing Qipao seems reserved for only special times or when instructing others of Chinese custom. They are commonly seen in China.

Father's visit reminds me what I am forgetting. I must remind myself quickly.

Family is coming

My father has sent word he will come in January. He will bring Mother and Jiao with him. To bring my mother is no surprise but my sister is. She is in school still. It makes me happy that she will come. It has been long time since seeing her.

I will show Jiao the places I enjoy. I will also borrow a horse from Cherry to take her riding. I think she will enjoy that. Perhaps she may accompany me to my work and see how American companies work. Then she will learn first hand rather than only what her teacher says to her. Cherry's nieces will also have interest in her. A chinese teenager is unique to them and both have curiosity of the other. I think they will discover they are not so different as they may believe.

I will take Mother to the small craft shops. She enjoys looking for things made by people rather than machines. I will be sure to take her to the rosewood factory. There are many items made by the craftsmen there. There is also a shop that makes furniture with only tools that were used by craftsmen in the 1700's. Mother will enjoy that very much I think.

Father I will accompany where he wishes. He decides what things interest him and it is difficult to guess what does. It is better to wait for him to say. I do not wish to show him things he has no interest in. When Father is bored he is not the best companion.

I am anxious for Father's visit. I will be assessed. He will decide if I have done well. Some will believe that because I have property I am sure to be considered a success. I know Father will look beyond that. He will see if it is sound or if I waste money. What potential is in the investment. Do I bring my family honor or shame.

Being sometimes a devil I hope to be found to bring honor to my father. He will surely hold me up to my brother who has no land yet is older than I. He is married and has children yet has only begun in management at his workplace. I have no husband, have land of my own, and am a manager at my work. It will be the first time I have bested him. I should be ashamed to think such things. I am not but I should be. lol

I will please my father. I am sure of this.

Feeling fat

The holiday meal was wonderful. But for Mother Bing, that is normal. I must now visit the gym to punish myself for eating too much. There was turkey, ham, cranberry sauce, roast, venison, deviled eggs, salads, and pies of all sorts. Some dishes I do not know what they were but even so, they were delicious.

I did not share Coastie until late Wednesday and even then only a short time. Thursday I had no choice but to share him. I was sure to introduce him to those who did not know him. At first he spent much time apart from me as Mother Bing required my assistance. After the meal began we were not separated until time to clean, though he insisted that he help too. I gave him a broom and a kiss and told him to begin. When all was completed we attempted conversation but I seem to have fallen asleep against Coastie's chest. I was comfortable. The evening ended with Father Bing shooing me out the door.

I returned Friday morning early. I wished to spend as much of the day with Coastie as was possible. We spent the morning shopping for gifts (it was his idea). We ate lunch downtown.

Then there was the drive to the airport. The time to separate came much too quickly. It seems security requires one to sit alone for 2 hours before they must fly.

These time I wish I were more as a man. A man is able to say goodbye without tears. I seem to have a need to wash my face when I say goodbye. Men do not go home with swollen and red eyes. I do. Still, I am pleased he came.

I must console myself with knowing he returns in 5 weeks.

Thanksgiving

I find I am becoming more happy as Thanksgiving nears. This is for many reasons.

The best reason is Coastie will be here. I will pick him up at the airport tomorrow afternoon. I have prepared his room at Mother Bing's house. I think we will have time together to do as we wish tomorrow and Friday. The remaining time will be spent with all the family about.

Mother Bing is to show me how to prepare turkey, stuffing, and her cranberry sauce. She insists I know the preparation of the cranberry sauce because she has taught all her other daughters. Mother Bing is skilled at making one feel happy.

I am told there will be other Bings I have not met. I did not think this possible. I am beginning to think of how large this family is.

Big Boss has assigned me the task of delivering a dinner to a family that is recommended to him. I will do this tomorrow morning before I must go to the airport. I think this is a wonderful thing he does. I am honored he has requested I deliver it. I will bring nephews to assist me as there is much to deliver. I have thought to add treats for the children. There is much included in the boxes but there is nothing specifically for the children. I thought to add ice cream and small candies. Would this be inappropriate?

I hope all who read this enjoy their day as much as I am sure to enjoy mine.

Patience

My friend has given me reason to think of thing. He does that well and often. ;)

I have been thinking of patience in my relationship with Coastie. Not his only but mine as well. Coastie has shown only patience while he waits for each part of our relationship. Should he someday decide he is not willing to wait and leave the relationship I will be sad for a time I am sure. But I will be better for it because it will show his affection was not given freely. If he waits for what is necessary then I will be assured of his commitment in the future.

My patience is something I have not thought of until now. There is anticipation of future events. I am eager to move to new things. I wish to give all Coastie will take. I do not because I must also assure my future. I desire a husband that is strong with great integrity.

Many American women I have spoken to say my expectations are unreasonable. I do not believe this to be true. What is unreasonable of wishing a husband that is strong yet tender, patient but not afraid to pursue, who is able to command himself, who gives to me without thought of receiving, and who places me before himself in all things? I am prepared to give the same to my husband. My mother gives no thought to herself. It is always to my father. Yet she is happy and does not lack those things she desires.

I think it is because of this way I must be careful to the man I give these things to. How terrible a life to give all and yet be unhappy. Only with patience may I assure myself of the man I choose. It is easy now to indulge in whatever I wish but this moment is short. I must concern myself with my future life. I may enjoy a thing now but how will my future be affected? If I give something now and Coastie leaves, what will I have to give to my eventual husband? I have only so much to give so it is reasonable to me to give sparingly and with caution until I am married.

I will rush to nothing. My patience assures my future.

Does my smile show?

Coastie has informed me he will return before Thanksgiving holiday and will be with me at Mother Bing's house. My smile refuses to leave me.

For Coastie to return so soon was a surprise. He is scheduled to train another 5 weeks. It will be a short visit of only the one day. He arrives Wednesday nite and departs again Friday morning. I will pick him up at the airport and return him to it. I would prefer he stay longer but I will be satisfied with what is given. There is, after all, not much choice offered.

Father Bing has said he may sleep at their house. The offer was made as my mouth opened to speak of a place for him to sleep. I believe Father Bing thought I was going to offer my room. I was going to ask if Cherry's loft was acceptable. It is my thought that would have been too close for Father Bing. My father will like him very much I think.

Better

I am feeling better though there is still low fever and coughing. But the elephant has decided to sit on my chest no longer. If there is no fever tomorrow I will go to work.

The weather may determine what I do tomorrow in spite of how I may feel. The rain is heavy and the winds are high. Already branches fall from the trees. I fear there will be much to pick up from the yard.

Cherry has told me the hill begins to slip again. I believe this weather will finish the slipping. She has already brought culverts for a spillway that she may keep the dam that results. One pond is not enough for her it seems.

For me it will be good to have my roofs stay in their places and all things remain where they have been placed or in the least I do not need to search far for them.

I am ill

I had not thought to become so yet I am ill. I believe it is caused by the sudden change of weather. In any event, I am not happy for it.

I sit home and drink tea. When I am not drinking tea, I am sleeping. When I am not sleeping I grumble of being ill.

Mother Bing acts as a mother does. She has been seeing to me and bringing me food. Perhaps this illness is not as bad as once thought... No. I would trade wellness for Mother Bing's cooking.

It would be better if Coastie were not away in training. *sigh*

Walla Walla

When first I heard the name, I thought I was the object of a joke. I was incorrect. There is a place called Walla Walla. It is in the state of Washington.

Cherry asked if I would like to accompany her to witness the ordination of her cousin to be a minister. As it was a new place to me and I had no wish to have Cherry drive so far alone, I agreed.

I have never witnessed an ordination of a minister. In the beginning it seemed much as any other religious service I have seen. There was singing and prayers. A group of men soon left the room. Cherry says it is called a presbitry. I was informed these men were also ministers and it was their place to give examinations to ther cousin.

At the beginning only one man asked questions. The first question I thought was rather silly. He was asked of his belief of having only one wife. Seeing that he has only one wife and it is illegal to have more than the one the answer seemed obvious. I will admit I was confused by the cousin's reply. He spoke of covenants and adultry, words I only discovered the meaning of after the service was ended. I would simply have replied I believe only in one wife. It seems to me, to be a minister requires use of more words than are necessary.

Many other questions were asked which were sensible. It is only proper that one know the belief of another that intends to be a minister of the same sect before approving him to perform rites and rituals. Mostly I heard words I did not know or were used in such a manner as I am unaccustomed to. I must assume he answered well as they did ordain him.

They served much food after. There were many different and surprising foods served. One I found was particularly delicious. It resembled the filling of dumplings but had a different flavor. I inquired as to what it was but was unable to discover it.

I then explored a fort and its museum nearby. Visiting the wineries was enjoyable. There were many so visiting all was impossible. Perhaps I may visit Walla Walla again to see the other vinyards. Perhaps I will review those I have visited after I rest.

The drive is long but it is discovery of new things and new places that keep life interesting.

Ghosts and Gobblins

I had thought to write of this tomorrow but sleep again eludes me. The new medicine seems not to work.

I spent the evening at John's house. He is Cherry's brother. I wanted to watch the children and see their costumes. They do not come so far out as my house. I had no costume so I dressed in Cheongsam and pinned my hair.

It was such a joy to see all the small children as they sought their treats. Some shouting "Trick or Treat!" while others were too bashful to speak. The former were cute and entertaining. The latter drew out great affection from me. Their silence spoke of their fear. I was sure to smile and praise them very much.

The most adorable child was a small girl dressed as a pumpkin. Her costume was stuffed full so she could not walk fast as the other children. Her eyes and nose were surrounded by black triangles. Her mouth by a toothy smile. As I opened the door, she smiled the most beautiful smile. She did not say "Trick or Treat!" but instead said "See?" as she showed me her bag of candy and treats. It was not as full as other childrens but she beamed with such joy. I made sure to give her just a small amount more. Very politely she thanked me and turned to leave. Her father helped her down the steps. As she stepped to the sidewalk she turned with a large smile and waved her hand.

If I were to have seen nothing else tonight, this small child made the evening worthwhile. It is these things that make me happy. I am better for the small girl's visit. She did not see her bag as being mostly empty. She saw only that there was more than when she began. She was a great teacher.

A most enjoyable week end.

I have experienced few week ends that I have enjoyed as much as I have the last two days.

It began with a drive to Winston with Coastie for a community party. It had a western theme. Many people wandered about the grounds saying "Howdy" and "Y'all come back now. Hear?" They were dressed as cowboys and ladies of the day. I questioned going but I am happy to have done so. It has proven to me that I must be willing to experience new things. If I had not gone, I would not have had such fun nor met many new people. Many games and much food occupied the day.

Today was spent eating BBQ ribs and hearing much music. I sat to listen to many different singers and musicians. It was an enjoyable day. Unfortunately, Coastie had duty so I was alone. It was the only negative thing of the day.

Such enjoyment surely relaxes more than medicines. I will sleep with a smile tonight.

Listening at the Speed of Light

Today, Amanda came to my house. She is Cherry's niece. It was obvious she was very excited but it was some time before I could determin why.

It was strange for me that she arrived by the school bus at my drive. I thought it was certain some poor child would find themself deposited at a stranger's house. Usually Amanda may stop at Cherry's house and then come to visit me. Today, it was not so.

She came to me quickly speaking very quickly. I could not understand her words but their urgency frightened me and I began speaking chinese.

Stop laughing.

After several minutes of neither of us understanding the phone rang. Imagine Mother Bing's distress hearing Amanda in the background speaking as she was and hearing me speaking chinese as excitedly as Amanda spoke.

I said stop laughing.

Mother Bing calmed me enough to speak english once again. She asked me what was happening. I did not know as Amanda was not yet calm to speak at a pace I am able to hear and understand. Mother Bing brought Father Bing to my house.

Mother Bing was able to calm Amanda enough for her to understand the distress. It seems Amanda's boyfriend has decided he is interested in another girl. *sigh* All of this for a 15 year old boy breaking the heart of a 14 year old girl.

I am not yet ready to be a mother to girls. I will prefer sons in the beginning.

Carrying on

Coasty and I are getting along well still.

He continues to drive here during the week to visit in spite of my concerns for him. He did at the least rest for a time. He informed me he did not wish to be seperate for so long a time and if I did not come to him, he would come to me. He has kept his word. At the most we do not see each other for 2 days.

His frequent visits are encouraged by his training that approaches. He will be gone several weeks until he returns. I am unsure how long. He has decided to become a rescue swimmer. Before he leaves, I am to be allowed a short cruise on the rescue launch. They will demonstrate what it is they do. I am excited to see.

It is beginning to appear to others we are a couple. If one is seem without the other we are asked of the other's location. It is somewhat unsettling to walk the shops of Depoe Bay and have an unfamiliar person ask me the location of Coastie. I politely answer with what information I have but it takes me by surprise still.

Is this what it is to "become a couple"? If it is so, I do not object to it. It comforts me to know that someone I spend time with and care for has such respect from those around him. It may sound selfish but I feel pride as someone recognises me as Coastie's companion. I am careful to always appear tidy and be respectful so I do not cause shame to him but inside I stand straight and hold my head high.

I am beginning to fear a day I will no longer be able to cling closely to him and feel his strong arms about me but I must not dwell on it for much time for that is a silly thought. We are new to each other still. There is much time before I need fret of such things.

My new hat

Today I have been given a new hat to wear.

Big Boss has decided I would make a proper Accounts Manager in addition to Network Manager. We have discussed the good behaviour of the network and the resulting difficulties of me discovering productive tasks to accomplish. His answer is to add this task to my duties. It is chance that has caused this. The former manager has sought other opportunities elswhere.

If I am to understand it correctly, my new duties are to monitor accounts, their place in the company, invoicing, and payment status. This seems to me to be enough to keep myself occupied. At the beginning especially since I will require time to learn of each account and develope my own methods of monitoring.

It comes also with a 6.5% increase in compensation. Who could say no? ;^)

Friendship

After reading another blog a question came to my mind.

Why do western people find it necessary to connect a strong passionate love and sex? If one says they passionatley love another it is assumed they also enjoy sex together.

This idea limits my love for others. I passionately love Cherry. She is my greatest friend, my sister, a portion of my soul. I seek her for comfort. I seek her for companionship. Sex is not any part of that. We are not lovers. It has never occured to me to be otherwise.

Why do others find it difficult to understand this? How do Americans show others they love them and cherish their friendship? In China it is easy to do so. None assume two men walking with an arm about the other to be anything other than friends. It is common to see women embrace as well as men. Nothing is thought of it.

Only in America have I seen it labeled as homosexual and not to be done by those that are not. I am sure it occurs at other places but America has been my example so I may only comment of here.

It is difficult to feel as I am becoming part of this culture when I feel restrained from doing what I am accustomed to.

More contrast

Adding to the last post of my dual life is an easy thing to do.

Another challenge to my life is food. It is difficult to find many of my favorites. Even to find the ingredients can be a trial. It is not that I do not enjoy other foods than Chinese. I enjoy many different types of food. But these foods do not hold me in my place. When I am able to find ingredients I am view as odd for wishing these things. I have recieved many inquiring looks at the butcher. The grocer's common reply to my questions is "What's that?" Even the asian stores do not stock those things I need. It is no surprise as they are Japanese and Vietnamese. I believe my friend has called these my comfort foods. They are what root me to my ancestry.

People often ask if a Chinese person they have met or is a friend is known to me. Why would I know this? Am I to know all 1.3 billion of them? Zhonghua Renmin Gongheguo (the proper name of China) is a large country. I do not understand how certain people believe I have met them all.

In my time here I have discovered I am viewed as a mathmatical Kung Fu master who in the same moment is docile and subservient (this word took much searching ;^) ) to every man, and a coniving temptress with designs on every man I see.

I am Xiang Mei Lian. Nothing more. Nothing less. I have dreams that do not include other women's husbands. Sadly, I know no Kung Fu though I am capable in Nanquan. I am a quiet person. Do not mistake this for docile. Do not think I am the servant of any man. My mathmatical skills are acceptable. And in America, I know very few Chinese people.

When you see me, smile. I will smile back to you. It may be possible for you to be so daring as to say hello. I will return the greeting. Are these not the beginnings of all friendships?

Hmmmm

I find I am more well disposed to this sight for blogging. It seems easy to use. It looks more visually stimulating.

I think the name suits me more also. It is more precise in its description of my life. Chinese living in English is more difficult than it may seem.

First, the language here is not mine. Not yet. I will learn in time. Now sometimes things are said that I am unaware of the meaning and therefore feel left out of conversation. Carrying a dictionary is awkward. I think I have become adept asking at appropriate times and remaining silent at others. But there are those times when it is obvious. Usually it is a joke I do not understand and I stare blankly desperately trying to define the words to find the humor. Many times I am not successful.

Second, it seems there are people who do not care for me simply because I do not look as they do. My eyes are not round. I have no choice to those. I would not change them in any case. My hair is black. In this I have a choice but I have seen many Chinese girls with their hair colored. Some have been successful. Most, to my eyes, look, well, silly. These are usually those who have become blond or some other light color. Brunette is acceptable but I fear I would look silly. My hair will remain as it is.

There are other contrasts. As I have time I will write of them.

The Chinese characters

Forgive the Chinese script on the pages. In some way the system has decided I wished it that way. I will not change it for it shows the dual nature of my life.

Well...

It is certainly interesting here.