I came to a startling realization today. Chao lei is in
middle school this year. My little boy is almost a teenager.
His pudgy little face has been replaced by a strong jaw
line. His muscles are well defined. His soft small voice is being replaced with
a strong masculine tone.
He used to be eager to go out for ice cream with me. Now, I
get shoulder shrugs and no eye contact. His hugs used to be strong, full hugs
with arms wrapped around me. Now, if I am fortunate, I get one of those
non-committed light, side hugs sometimes accompanied by a back tap. If I hold on too
long, I get “Mom, stop.”
His feet are no longer the cute little rectangles with
adorable toes that I used to kiss. Now, they are giant, adult size 7 with a
smell more common to a garbage can that has not been cleaned recently.
His hands are no longer those cute little ones that used to
hold mine, but now can palm a soccer ball and use his father’s tools easily.
My baby is gone.
I know he loves me since he (barely) tolerates my kisses on
his cheek in front of his friends. I know he still needs me. But that little 7
pound package is no longer and he is not coming back. Those chubby cheeks and
shining eyes are gone. I look for them every day. It annoys him but I cannot
help myself.
As hard as I try to keep him from growing up, he tries
harder to do just that. The more I push, the more he pulls. He lets me know he
does not need my help so much anymore. My grip is too tight for him but too
loose for me.
I am allowed to miss my baby. Taking a step back though, is
the next step in his maturing. If I do not give him room to make his own
mistakes and successes, he will not grow as an adult so step back I will. I
must allow him to be who he needs to be and I do not wish to miss the
opportunity to get to know this version of him because I refuse to let go of
the past.
He will always be my baby even though I must give him room to grow. I do not know who growing up is more difficult for, Chao lei or me.
