The day comes closer. I find myself thinking of it more. Not the simple anticipation of a bride to be. It is more.
My friends will tell me I am worthy of him. But by what measure do they think this? What is it I have done that makes it so? I do not believe my mere existence is enough. Each person exists so that can not be considered something unique and thus making me more worthy than any other woman. It can not be that I am Chinese. I am told there is a general preference with American men for asian women so I am not unique in that considering there are several billion of us. I am reduced to believing it is because of his choice.
I worry that I am a good bride. It is important for me to be so. How can I hope to be happy if my husband is not. But it is more than that. There is the family ideals of a bride I must live up to. Mother has no reservations of telling me those things that are expected and that I lack. She is not cruel. She is telling me of what she believes I must know to make a husband happy.
I must say here that many American women have told me this idea making my husband happy is incorrect. They have said I have a submissive attitude and that I will allow anything just to please my husband. This is not so. It is simple math. If he is happy, I am happy. If I see to his happiness, he will see to mine. It is not about me only. It is not about him only. Forgive me if this offends you but I think many American women are full of silly ideas of the matter. Why would a husband work for your happiness if you only receive but never give? It is silliness to think such a thing.
I will not allow anything. I will not be abused in any way for his happiness. My Coastie has met my temper and does not wish to see it. ;) Beside that, he is generous with his time and himself. He is gentle and caring to me but he also has shown his temper to those who have earned it.
But happiness for us is important to me. I do not wish to become another divorce statistic. It is this that has caused me to carefully examine this man for his character. It is this that causes me to worry of making a good bride.
I think it is common to wonder of good life. Everyone wishes to have one. I believe that in this case it is only anticipation of the future that causes me to think of it. I am certain life will not follow my school girl fantasy script. I am certain there will be troubles. I am hopeful the happy moments are more than the troubles.
I know it is because of the nearing wedding that think these thoughts now. I am sure more will arise as the day becomes nearer.
PS I must trim myself. My dress does not fit so well. It is small. My Coastie laughs and tells me it is "fine." I tell him it will not be so "fine" if I am overly displayed because of an over-stressed seam during the wedding. He laughs only harder at this. Perhaps I will weaken a seam or two of his trousers. Let us see if that is funny for him. While we wait, I will exercise.
