Now what?

I have arrived home today to discover there is nothing to do.

In my haste to complete all for new year and Father's visit I have done everything I am able to consider. Now I am left with nothing to prepare. Even the barn has been cleaned of dust and stray stalks of straw.

I am only left with the thoughts of something left undone but unknown to my mind that it is. Cherry has called it "The deer in the headlight look." I understand that to be I stare with no expression or thought to do anything. It is disturbing for me.

I have the daily tasks that are required. I must feed Peevy and groom him. I see to Fat Luey's and Nangua's feeding and care. I find myself walking to the road to fetch mail. I could simply get it as I drive in but then I am left with more time that has no task to fill it.

A positive thought is Coastie will visit me on the weekend. He is taking me to the Winter Festival in Wallowa County. It is some distance away I am told. We will leave early Saturday and spend the day there.

Until then, I am bored.

Rest? At Work?

It seems returning to my work has given me time to rest. I returned to the 
common tasks that draw my attention away from new year and Father's 
visit. Of course I return to them when I arrive home. Still, it is good to not 
think of them occaisionally.

Today, Big Boss asked me a question that caused me to think (these questions often cause me to fear the answer). His question was of what I would do if my father was not pleased with my life in America and required my return to China.

I have thought of this lightly before today. Perhaps that is because my  father was in China. 
It is easier to refuse his directions when there are many miles between us.  Now he comes to America and the question has become more important. I do not wish to leave but I am uncertain of my determination to do so if my father should wish otherwise.

I believe Father would not require such a thing. I have land. I have position in my work. But my father has times of unpredictability. It is this I believe is the cause of my anxiety of his visit.

I do not wish to show him as a cruel person. Contrarily, he is a kind and loving man with great wisdom. He desires only best things for me. I would not exchange him for any other. Father Bing is very kind and I have great affection for him but his care for me is second to my father's. Should I leave tomorrow, Father Bing may miss me for a time but he has his family and would forget in a short time. It is unlikely he would travel to China  to only visit me.

My father comes to visit only me. There is no other family here in America. There is no business to conduct here for him. This is a thing only a loving father would do.

I feel better having thought these thoughts. To be sure, I am anxious that all is prepared properly. I am only more confident my father will see I have not shamed him and I do well here.

I must thank Big Boss for his question.

To begin again?

I have surprised myself and have cleaned my house thoroughly. I now find myself wondering if I should begin again to be confident I have forgotten nothing. I also ask myself if the bunk room of the barn also counts toward the house. Perhaps not because there is no one there. A new year with a new house has caused me to think more of my actions. Perhaps more than is necessary. :\

Coastie insisted I leave my house for a time yesterday. He took me to a picnic at the park beside the river. It was cold but that gave reason to sit closely to his side. He produced hot soups and sandwiches from his basket. I enjoyed myself very much. It seemed odd to eat the sandwiches with gloved hands but I chose not to bare my hands to the cold wind and used care to keep the contents of the sandwiches from the gloves.

My Coastie has caused me to see him with new eyes. The effort he has expended in my house, in spite of his lack of full understanding of why I do it, tells me of his determination. I have always considered him a good man and someone I found of interest. These few days past have changed that thought. There is more than simple interest now. I have watched as he has assumed some level of responsibility of the keeping of my house. Though some may say he is acting improper he has begun assuming the tasks he calls "a man's work." This causes me to smile since it is work I have done and am not a man. I allow it though. To me it seems he seeks his place here.

He worries more of what my father may think than I do. Some may say that is a difficult thing to do but I believe he accomplishes it well. His questions of Father's expectations are constant. Will my father think less of him because he is not Chinese? How should he speak to him? Should he look to my father's eyes (someone has given him the silly notion he may not meet my father's gaze without showing disrespect *sigh*)? Has his work been done properly? I tease him and say he worries like a woman but I assure him he will be approved (now I must completely convince myself of this).

Dare I say I now think of a wedding day? To have his heart and he mine? My thoughts are often of being wrapped in his love and protection always. In my mind he completely engulfs me and nothing may approach me save through him. I think of a day when we are together. I have no need to await his visit or travel to him, the telephone is not needed for I am able to speak to his face, and e-mails would be silly since we are in the same place.

"My Coastie" has taken new meaning. He is mine and I will not share his time with other women. They must seek their own coastie.

I will now turn off the school girl thinking and return to adult life but I will hold the right to return at any time.

Preparing for the new year

I have begun cleaning for new year. I had not though so much dirt could be present since my time here has been so short but I was mistaken. I neglected to remember the previous tenants. I have taken to wearing a dust mask as there is much hidden about the house.

If it is unknown to you, it is custom to clean your house very well before new year as it is bad luck to clean or take out garbage for the first three days of new year. One must also avoid breaking dishes.

I have been unable to convince myself to paint the doors red. It would not suit this house. Father is sure to notice this omission. The doors have been freshly painted white. I think to myself that perhaps he will be satisfied with the Hui Chun I will hang on the posts. Hui chun are small wishes for good luck or prosperity in the new year written on red paper and hung on doors and in windows.

I have also decided to give Hung Bao to the nieces and nephews. I will drive to Portland to get appropriate envelopes as it has been difficult to find appropriate size envelopes here. These are small red envelopes containing money depending on the age of who it is given. A very small child may recieve a coin, an older child may receive dollars.

There are four weeks before father arrives. I hope to have all things completed before then. I have little time remaining until then.

New year and the holidays

It is a western new year. The Chinese new year is not until February 18 but I am not given time away from my work with pay for that day.

My holidays were wonderful. Mother and Father Bing hosted family gatherings. There were very many new people to meet. The tree looked as the trees seen in magazines. It was very large with many gifts beneath it.

I spent little time apart from Coastie. We had our ride in the park. Aside from a sore bottom he says he enjoyed it. The weather was much better than was forecasted. It was bright and sunny. The air was crisp and cold. I hope to do it again.

Many days and evenings were spent visiting wineries, small local breweries, and restaurants. Coastie was particulaly fond of the Bend Brewing Company. I am not overly fond of beer but if I were required to make a preference known I would prefer Killian's Red. My real preferences are for wine and my favorite is well established as Honeywood Winery.

My display to Coastie seems to have not changed his thinking. He looked, then continued as before. His thoughts of the matter were I am not only a body. He was honest of it. He was attracted in the beginning by what he saw. But he has become fond of my mind so the scars do not seem as unsightly as they do to me though there were some that caused his face to change. He wonders if I would be able to change them if I wanted but he told to me it is only my desire that is important.

There was one day I could not spend with Coastie. Father Bing decided "the boys" would go out shooting. I am sure there were conversations between Coastie and Father Bing. Coastie assures me it was only common "chit-chat." If this is so, why is there such reluctance to speak of it? I believe it was Father Bing investigating again. This causes me confusing emotions. In one place I am angry. I am a grown woman and am capable of making my own decisions. In another place I feel great affection that he should care enough to offer his protection. In yet another place I feel great respect for his thoughts and will readily seek them. I suppose I will do as any daughter will do, be they natural or adopted, and accept his intrusions as only looking after me as best he is able and with only the best of intentions.

As other holidays are done I have yet another to see to. I have Chinese new year to prepare for. To complicate that, my father has decided his visit will be set to be able to celebrate it with me here. It is good for I will be with him, my mother, and sister during this celebration but more important, I have additional time to prepare for the visit. It is not good for the additional time will be used to prepare additional things not thought necessary before. I have no net gain. Rather the anxiety has been increased as this too will be an opportunity for my father to judge what sort of daughter he has and I wish to do well. If it were possible, I would hire the perfect Chinese girl to be here in my place.

At Christmas, it seems that all worry that the correct gift is given. This New Year I worry that I do not dishonor my father. I believe I prefer Christmas. There is much less stress.