It would seem I am not the mother Chao lei believes I should be. My personality is acceptable. At least, I assume it is since he says nothing of it. My appearance, however, is the matter in question.

I am not supposed to age. I am looking old, according to Chao lei. I am far from old. I am only 44 years old. According to him, I should look like a 20 year old K-Pop star.

Chao lei's AI version of me. :-/

 

I did not look like that even when I was that age. It is not that he thinks of me as ugly. I would just “look better.” His father approves of my current appearance so Chao lei will have to adjust his expectations.

On the husband front, he is home for now. I will take it and enjoy it while I may. Who can know when the next departure will be but I will not look forward to it. To be honest, I believe I preferred the South China sea area. There were tensions there, of course but it seemed more stable people were making the decisions. Perhaps it is because I am originally Chinese so I understand them better. There is a competition between nations that is carefully conducted since neither side wishes war. Peaceful overtures are common. My parents once had dinner in Beijing with Jared as the ship made a port call. I do not anticipate that occurring anywhere in the Gulf. They are two very different areas to operate in.

PCS orders should arrive soon. Where they are to should be known sooner. Meanwhile, there are rumors of Jared's tour being extended. I certainly hope it is not. I am done with Spain. It is not that Spain is a bad place. It is the areas the 5^th Fleet must operate.

I desire a stateside assignment again. Shore duty would not be a bad thing for me. We will see.

 

Sleep Is Elusive.

I admit, I have had difficulty in the past. When I first came to America, I had horrible insomnia. The changes in lifestyle were tremendous; culture shock being the greatest of them. The language only added to everything else. Not that I did not speak any English. But I only spoke English as taught by a teacher who had never visited an English speaking country. Because of that, I was left out of many conversations at first. My dictionary was my lifeline.

Then came the adjustments to being married. I fretted over what to do to be a good wife. Chinese traditions do not work well in a different culture. To complicate it further, I had to adjust to life in the US Navy, married to an officer (the social rules for an officer's spouse are different from an enlistee's spouse.) Being just me was not an option.

PCS can be an intimidating acronym . Especially the first one. Just as you develop your rhythm and identify your “tribe”, you are uprooted and must begin again. Because of weight limits, one must decide what is necessary and what is not. Living out of a suitcase is stressful for even a short time. Being alone in a new place is stressful. Add bored children to the mix and, well...

Now, for the first time,Jared's job is stressful. The whys are not important to anyone but me which is also a stressor since I want to scream about it but can not. The children's constant search for reassurance that Daddy is ok is difficult to live with. Most of the time I can only give them what I hope is true.

My own lack of faith is shining through. It would be easy to blame the stress on the children but it would be untrue. Yes, they add to it a little but the majority of it is my doing. During those quiet hours right after the children have gone to bed, I play “what if” games with myself. Bad idea, I know. My therapist says so but even she can not tell me how to stop it.

I suppose this is the part they warn you about. “Military members jobs are hazardous and can lead to different bad outcomes” they say. It is usually accepted as a fact superficially and you come to terms with it. Once things do become hazardous for real though, the terms change. Now it is more than just a cautionary tale that COULD happen. It is now what IS happening.

Now we will experience homecoming from an entirely different point of view.