Sleep Is Elusive.

I admit, I have had difficulty in the past. When I first came to America, I had horrible insomnia. The changes in lifestyle were tremendous; culture shock being the greatest of them. The language only added to everything else. Not that I did not speak any English. But I only spoke English as taught by a teacher who had never visited an English speaking country. Because of that, I was left out of many conversations at first. My dictionary was my lifeline.

Then came the adjustments to being married. I fretted over what to do to be a good wife. Chinese traditions do not work well in a different culture. To complicate it further, I had to adjust to life in the US Navy, married to an officer (the social rules for an officer's spouse are different from an enlistee's spouse.) Being just me was not an option.

PCS can be an intimidating acronym . Especially the first one. Just as you develop your rhythm and identify your “tribe”, you are uprooted and must begin again. Because of weight limits, one must decide what is necessary and what is not. Living out of a suitcase is stressful for even a short time. Being alone in a new place is stressful. Add bored children to the mix and, well...

Now, for the first time,Jared's job is stressful. The whys are not important to anyone but me which is also a stressor since I want to scream about it but can not. The children's constant search for reassurance that Daddy is ok is difficult to live with. Most of the time I can only give them what I hope is true.

My own lack of faith is shining through. It would be easy to blame the stress on the children but it would be untrue. Yes, they add to it a little but the majority of it is my doing. During those quiet hours right after the children have gone to bed, I play “what if” games with myself. Bad idea, I know. My therapist says so but even she can not tell me how to stop it.

I suppose this is the part they warn you about. “Military members jobs are hazardous and can lead to different bad outcomes” they say. It is usually accepted as a fact superficially and you come to terms with it. Once things do become hazardous for real though, the terms change. Now it is more than just a cautionary tale that COULD happen. It is now what IS happening.

Now we will experience homecoming from an entirely different point of view.