I came to a startling realization today. Chao lei is in middle school this year. My little boy is almost a teenager.
His pudgy little face has been replaced by a strong jaw line. His muscles are well defined. His soft small voice is being replaced with a strong masculine tone.
He used to be eager to go out for ice cream with me. Now, I get shoulder shrugs and no eye contact. His hugs used to be strong, full hugs with arms wrapped around me. Now, if I am fortunate, I get one of those non-committed light, side hugs sometimes accompanied by a back tap. If I hold on too long, I get “Mom, stop.”
His feet are no longer the cute little rectangles with adorable toes that I used to kiss. Now, they are giant, adult size 7 with a smell more common to a garbage can that has not been cleaned recently.
His hands are no longer those cute little ones that used to hold mine, but now can palm a soccer ball and use his father’s tools easily.
My baby is gone.
I know he loves me since he (barely) tolerates my kisses on his cheek in front of his friends. I know he still needs me. But that little 7 pound package is no longer and he is not coming back. Those chubby cheeks and shining eyes are gone. I look for them every day. It annoys him but I cannot help myself.
As hard as I try to keep him from growing up, he tries harder to do just that. The more I push, the more he pulls. He lets me know he does not need my help so much anymore. My grip is too tight for him but too loose for me.
I am allowed to miss my baby. Taking a step back though, is the next step in his maturing. If I do not give him room to make his own mistakes and successes, he will not grow as an adult so step back I will. I must allow him to be who he needs to be and I do not wish to miss the opportunity to get to know this version of him because I refuse to let go of the past.
He will always be my baby even though I must give him room to grow. I do not know who growing up is more difficult for, Chao lei or me.
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