A Small Dent in Happiness

Life seems to always balance somehow. I have a very good thing in my husband returning to me for a longer time than usual and I am very pleased with that. Yesterday, there was a not good thing that happened. I will say the not good thing has not overpowered the good thing though. It was just a small dent. I will also say my medicine’s side effect is not leaving me quickly.

I had a parent teacher meeting that the end results were better than I had believed they were going to be. Well, not the meeting itself but the aftermath. I have a young lady in my Mandarin class who seems to be struggling. She began the year exceptionally well. While speaking the language is the focus in first year, she had taken it on herself to learn almost 700 characters and writes them fairly well. I told her if she learns 3500, she will be able to read fluently. She accepted my challenge. I think it safe to say she is one of my favorites.

The problem that arose is, she has lost focus and is under-performing in the class. If I were to report her grade at this moment, it would barely be a “C.” This is far from normal for this extremely bright girl. It has been foreign to me to see anything less than an “A” next to her name. I wanted to discover what could be the cause, so I called a meeting with her parents. I got her mother.

At the beginning of the meeting, her mother was polite but agitated as I explained why I wanted the meeting.  It was not long before politeness vanished. I can only assume she thought I was attacking her parenting. How she came to that conclusion is a mystery to me. I had only asked simple questions; was she having difficulty sleeping, was she eating, boy problems? Being bullied? Simple questions.

Before I knew it, this woman was berating me saying it was obvious I was a bad teacher. I obviously was under-educated (I hold a DCS) and how could I teach American children when I am Chinese. They cannot understand me because of my accent. This berating continued for about 10 minutes.

Under normal circumstances, her bad attitude would have been tolerated by me for about a minute until I would have shown her my lack of tolerance for ignorance. Unfortunately, my sensitivity soared (thank you mood swings) and I was reduced to tears. Great. Show the wolf a weakness. No matter how I tried to speak authoritatively, it did not translate through tears well. The tears were like blood in shark infested water. It only fueled her rage. She said I should quit and I should go back to China… I was devastated.

All was not bad though. When the mother yelled at me for crying and how unprofessional it was and asked why I was, her daughter shouted, ”Because she is pregnant! God mom! I can’t believe what a horrible person you are!” … Silence…  At that moment, another teacher peered into the room, saw my tears and immediately called the principal who called the mother to her office. My student would not stop apologizing for her mother’s behavior even though I told her it was not for her to do. She even promised to do better in class. She is a sweet girl with distractions. We will work together to make improvements.

The aftermath is, after a school investigation into what happened: the mother is not allowed on campus for the remainder of the year, all future parent/teacher meetings will be with her father (which could be difficult since he is a ship’s captain too), an apology was left to her conscience, but when her husband discovered that my husband is also a ship’s captain, her husband guaranteed it. I insisted it was not necessary. I find humiliation rarely corrects behavior for a long time. One cannot apologize sincerely when it is compelled.  

I would not wish to repeat this episode, but it is satisfying to discover that the school supported me through to the end. I thought I would see the underside of a bus. That is how government offices are thought to work. Especially when dealing with someone of some influence (perceived or not). I also cannot condemn the mother too harshly. I have no idea what is in her life to allow such behavior. I know firsthand that a Navy captain’s wife faces so much stress. I have been told that being a captain’s wife is much like being a pastor’s wife. When parishioners want something extra, they approach the pastor’s wife. When they are angry with him, they attack his wife. The number of wives that get angry at me because the ship has not returned when they thought it should is large. I am the captain’s wife, not the captain. So, before I could condemn her, I would need to walk her path for a time. It is enough for me that it is over and I can return to being happy.I have no time for judgement.

I think every teacher has at least one of these moments in their career; likely more. A teacher’s job is to educate children. A parent’s job is to nurture them. Teachers have the easier job. I think it is natural to be defensive of your children and your own parenting but it is a skill to be developed to know when to be defensive and when to understand your child is not as perfect as you want to believe.