Every winter, we get an influx of new ship mates. With those shipmates come their spouses. Many of them are freshly married, it is their first sea duty assignment, or it is their first OCONUS assignment. In the past, as a ship's officer's wife, it was expected to help the newbies, even if you were one yourself. Now, as the captain's wife, it is expected even more. It is mine to know what is going on with families, though I could have sworn that is what the FRG and Ombudsman were for. I suppose it makes sense though. Experience unshared is worthless. I thought I would share some warnings of what is to come. Knowing is half the battle, right?
CONTROL...
you have very little. I would suppose you were prepared to lose some control but you likely are not prepared for the amount of control you will be forced to give up. Every decision you make will be influenced by many other factors. Throw away your pens and keep pencils and MANY erasers handy because all of your choices are subject to change.
LEARN A SECOND LANGUAGE... ACRONYMS...
Most time, we spouses have no idea what our spouses are speaking of. The number of acronyms used by military personnel are many. Do not depend on war movies to fill in the blanks. You might learn of FUBAR and SNAFU but there are so many more. There are even service specific acronyms so my language may not be the same as yours. A good place to start is HERE. There are so many more. Discover yours and learn them well.
DEPLOYMENT... IT SUCKS
One might think that pre-deployment is all fun and relaxing before they go. One would be incorrect. It is deployment gear strewn about the home, anxious anticipation of the departure and emotional disconnect. None of these things are avoidable. The disconnect is generally on the spouse's end. They have things to do and having you in the forefront of their thoughts can distract them. A distracted service member is never a good thing.
When they return home is good though. Right? It is really a mixed bag. I am overjoyed when my husband finally returns home! I missed him. There are numerous videos of homecomings that just get the feels going. But now he is home, he wishes to return to his place in the family and it feels like a bad first date. You spend months developing your routine and now they are home and want to change it.
HAVING YOUR OWN CAREER IS NOT EASY...
Having a career in the midst of military life is sort of like a hamster wheel, and it goes something like this…
- Get a job.
- Quit six months later to move.
- Take nine months to find a new job.
- Start that job and work towards promotion. Right before you receive your promotion, you have to quit your job and move overseas.
- Repeat until your spouse separates or retires.
FRIENDSHIPS CAN BE HARD...
Friendship in the military usually comes in stages that look like this
- When you first move to a new duty station and have zero friends. It can be difficult, especially if you allow it to last for long.
- When you attend ayour first spouses’ event and realize you are not on the “in crowd.”
- When you ask another spouse for her number, but do not call because you do not want to be too overbearing.
- When you make a new friend but instantly regret it. She is not really your type.
- Eventually you resign to the fact that finding your new milspouse friend is the equivalent to one bad blind date after the next.
- Then you give up on making friends.
- Woot! You finally make a friend!
- You realize it is near PCS time and what friends you have are all going anywhere but where you are.
- Repeat cycle
NO PLAN IS SET IN STONE...
Yes, I know. I mentioned this one before but it needs saying again. Go ahead. Make plans. It has been said, "Military life is having a plan.Then a new plan. Then another plan. Then the first plan. Then a brand new plan only to go back to the original plan.
EVEN WHEN THEY ARE NOT DEPLOYED, THEY ARE NOT HOME.
In the months preceding a deployment they are gone on and off for months for training. It’s a constant cycle of separation even when service members aren’t deployed.
OUTSIDERS NEVER SEEM TO TRULY "GET IT."
Unless you are or have been a mil-spouse, it’s hard to understand it.
Many things can happen to our spouse while they are serving, up to and including the ultimate sacrifice we do not wish to discuss but remains very real. A well-meaning loved one might share something like, “Don’t worry, from statistical standpoint, there’s a very high chance he’ll return home.” or something like “This too shall pass.”
I am sure it will... like a kidney stone.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU REALIZED WAS POSSIBLE.
This quote from Legacy Magazine really hits home…
“We like to joke that the Marine Corp owns my husband’s body, and it’s mostly true. Part of his obligation is to personally take all of the risks our nation requires of him. Being a Marine has been the honor of his life — he would have it no other way. It’s something that is difficult for me as a service member spouse to fully understand. But because I love him, I continue to support him, even if it costs us everything.”
Now you know they are coming. They should be easy to work through.
NOT!
This was funny, but very wise. Now that I'm a mother myself, I am even more in awe of my own mother, an Air Force spouse. She had three children very close in age and moved us all every three years or more frequently when we were very young. She also dealt with everything when my dad was TDY, got her degree and worked, and was the squadron commander's wife for a couple of years. It sounds very much like an Air Force version of your life as a Navy commander's wife. And I know it is not easy. We all thank your husband for his service, but as a woman and a mother, I thank YOU for yours.
ReplyDeleteI feel every single ounce of this, Mei. While funny, it's absolutely life, and it really sucks sometimes. We feel like this past year has been one hit after another, and we're definitely worn down more than usual. Thinking of you all this holiday season!
ReplyDeleteI feel every bit of this post TO MY CORE. Sending you a big hug this holiday. I am hoping 2023 is good to us. XO
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