I stare at four walls not quite satisfied but not dissatisfied.
Perhaps it is because my Coastie is gone again for training and I have planned no activity. A visit to the ocean may be in order again. Time to spend with myself away from here would be good. I have striven to create a place that pleases me here in my house and it does, usually. I think sometimes one must spend time in unfamiliar surroundings and away from all normal distractions to bring oneself again to the center.
There has been another time of someone not satisfied with my gender or skin color. In China, it is expected from men to be thought of as less (though this is changing).The male has been thought of as all important to continuing the family, especially since the party inflicts a "one child policy." It is no excuse but at the least there is a plausible theory of family pride and perpetuity.
In America, I think, it is harder to reason as it is not as universally held thought. One man man show respect. Another may not. While yet another will at the least feign the respect. It is confusing and one must anticipate each encounter without enough information. Many times have I been dismissed so quickly I have not lost the smile I greeted with.
This is another duality I must strive with. In China, that is how it is. You know what to expect and what is expected. I smile and be polite. It is what is expected of a woman. In America, I do not know what to expect from each encounter. Some treat you well as a matter of practice. Some treat you poorly as a matter of practice. Then there are those who will treat you a certain way until you respond a certain way. For some their response is better if you show strength and demand respect. Others treat you worse if respond with meekness. I am confused often of the
response that should be given. Here, I must guess. Here, it seems, showing meekness invites
attack so it is unwise to do as I would in China.
My friend Cherry says I am too nice. Perhaps, but why should I change who I am and prefer to be? Is it necessary for me to treat others with disrespect simply because it is what is expected from them? I hope to find the medium. Perhaps I will develop the skill to know.
As for my skin color, I assume their feelings of me come from jealousy. How sad it must be to wish yourself to be another thing than that which you are. This is what I tell myself. Since there is nothing I can do to change my skin color I am only able think of it in such a manner.
Perhaps my Coastie will simply protect me from such things. It is a silly thought but a girl can dream of such things. ;)
I am frequently told I am "too nice", as if that were possible.. I, too, am satisfied with myself, and don't wish to be mean or rude. But, if others choose to be that way, I have no way to know that until they inflict themselves on me. So, I am sometimes unprepared, also. You must simply think it must be hard to be so unhappy with themselves, that they must treat another in such a manner. At least that's what I think.
ReplyDeleteJean
It can be challenging to be taken seriously when you are in a profession traditionally populated by white males. It is even tougher when you don't have a loud voice or the habit of asserting your opinions with gusto... I struggle with it all the time and still don't know what my strategy ought to be.
ReplyDeleteI work with all men. I have experienced what you have many, many times.
ReplyDeleteI look upon it like this. I like who I am. I will not change who I am regardless how different people treat me.
I will not be louder to suppress the bullies. I will not be softer to pacify the masses. I will be me.
walls can be interesting. they say Einstein was so smart because when he was a baby he didn't play with other babies or with educational toys. he spent his first years staring at the walls.
ReplyDelete