Gone Again

 

Deployment time. I suppose they think to get one last good one in before change of command. It does not surprise me though. He has been home for a while longer than is usual. The ship is no longer at the dock. 

It may sound odd but there are some good things that I can see of deployments for me.

I get to choose the music playing in the house. It is not that Jared’s music is always horrible. I have discovered that some of his music I enjoy very much. But there is some that seems to be his favorite that makes me want to shoot the speakers. When he is gone, no such urges occur.

If I choose to be a little lazy in dinner prep, he never gets angry of it but I can see it in his face and feel guilty of it. I remain lazy but I feel guilty. When he is gone, I am guilt free. The children enjoy the fact that we eat out more often.  Sandwiches. TV dinners,  I don’t have to stress and wonder what I will be making that evening or in disappointing Jared.

I have the bed to myself. Well… not to myself. I have never had that, even when I was unmarried.Yuki is not my first cat. There is usually one child or the other having a bad night. Or there is Yuki sleeping on me. I have been known to have my head on Jared’s side of the bed and my feet on the other. I can smell him that way and sleep well.

I can make plans without consulting Jared’s schedule. If I wish to take the children somewhere for the weekend, I don’t have to see if my husband is able to go as well. It is a small victory over planning that I have. The Navy has very little say over my schedule when he is deployed. I can do whatever, whenever.

I have to do things on my own. When he is gone, I realize I am capable of more than I think. It feels good realizing that. It is not that I wish it for always. There is much to be said for being the helpless damsel. But it is satisfying to know that if need be, I can.

I never have to worry of the toilet seat being up. After having children, my bladder was never the same. So, I have to go in the middle of the night. I’m half asleep and don’t pay attention to the toilet. I sort of trudge over, sit down and…if the toilet seat is up, I fall in, legs stretched in the air. Jared learns new Mandarin words. I stomp back to bed, and sometimes my husband will ask, “What happened?” and I will reply through gritted teeth, “You left the seat up again.” But most of the time he does not hear that since he has already gone back to sleep.

The evening is mine. Once the children are in bed, I can do whatever I wish. Watch tv. Read a book. Dance with Mr. Buble. There is no one to poke fun at me for it.

I get to miss him. It may sound strange to look forward to that but hear me. We have been married for twelve years. It can become easy to take the other person for granted and start behaving like roommates and not a couple. Those times he must leave, we are reminded what we mean to each other and we appreciate each other more. I miss him being around me and he misses me being around him.

There is homecoming. Until you are standing pier side, butterflies fluttering in your stomach in anticipation, it is difficult to understand. Each time I feel as if I am waiting for my favorite movie star to arrive. I may have said good bye on a sunny afternoon in my sweatpants but I will always be in my best dress for his return at 2am in a storm.

When I see him and we smile at each other, a sigh of relief happens. We have done it again and he is home safe. Once again, we know we will always be there for one another.