Maintenance

 I have never become accustomed to Jared's absence. I do not believe I ever will. What I know is, my life is not what most people would consider normal. I would agree with them. Being a Navy spouse is not normal.

I have been asked many times how it is  my marriage survives. My husband is gone from me and our children often and many times for an extended time. Six months each year is not uncommon with many other shorter times between them just to keep it interesting.

I know I am not alone in this lifestyle. I am sure there are civilians whose spouses travel for their work but I can not speak for them. I am not sure I can compare my life to theirs. What I do know is it is a difficult way to live.

I have certain things to help me cope with this chosen life and that have helped us maintain our marriage and create a family where there is good father/child relationships and a strong family identity.

First, this is the chosen income source of us both. Granted, Jared did not ask me if the Navy was what I wanted to live with but it remains on my shoulders that I must be deal with the Navy. I did not HAVE to say yes and marry him. Also, I believe that God provides for our income, He also provides for the strength to cope with whatever this life throws at us.

Second, Jared has agreed he will "talk" to us every day. It could be a phone call, a Skype session, or just an email but one of them will happen every day. Not every message is for me. We have children that must know him. Relationships are built on communication, and if he must be away from home, we must find a way to maintain communication.

Third, we must recognize the emotional impact these separations have on all of us. There is always an emotional weight when Jared is preparing for yet another  sailing. I discovered (well, Jared discovered it really he just let me think it was me) that I tended to get moody before every trip. I was building a wall around myself, so that I could cope with all the pressures and decisions of being by myself. Once this was discovered, we started talking a lot more before he left. I once had all these lofty, romantic ideas of sending him off to the sea like sneaking notes into his sea bag as I packed it. It does not take long to switch from romance to survival. I do not do that anymore. It was causing a tremendous amount of emotional strain on me. The talking now helps me set a correct attitude for me and the children. Different people find different ways to cope but the key is not for your spouse to pack their own bag, but rather to recognize how the emotions are impacted and how to be gentle with each other.

Fourth, it is desperately important to recognize the impact on the little's emotions. They miss Daddy too. When he leaves, I have two little angels on my hands... for about two days. On day three I begin to question if they are actually human children and not some feral cats I found on one of my walks. Since I know it is coming, that is the day we plan a break in our normal. We do something different. We do fun things like go to the park or the library (yes, for Chao lei that is considered fun). Anything is a good idea as long as it is different than yesterday. Of course, none of this takes away the sad. But I believe it strengthens their sense of security.

That brings us to number five. Discipline. Jared and I decided early on that when he came home he wouldn’t automatically resume discipline. This is guided by the idea that when a child is disobedient, it is directly connected to the parent who gave the instruction. This means that since I am the one giving the instructions, they were disobeying me, I needed to deal with the consequences. Besides, it is all too easy to dump everything on Jared making him the bad guy. I want the time they have together to be as positive as possible. That does not relieve him of discipline altogether. He disciplines for his instructions given once he has returned.

Six. Building relational time. It is important that we, as a family, build a strong relationship with what time we do have together. to protect that relational time,I carefully guard social commitments for when Jared is home. This can be quite difficult sometimes because we want to be involved in the community as a family but the priority is to build our family relational ties first. We have to prioritize how to use the social time that the Navy allows. Fortunately, this is not always difficult since many social activities center around the ship.

Jared and I do have our "dating" time even if we just sit at Starbucks and have coffee. Grabbing what time we can helps. It is critical that we build our relationship too. If that were to collapse, how would we see to the children's. 

Seven. Never be afraid to ask for help. I know, it is awkward. It is easier to give advice and help than it is to receive. Think of this, do you really believe you are the only one ever to go through whatever you are going through? Nonsense. There are plenty that have made it through so find out how they did it. Let people help you. How less stressful is it when someone watches the littles while you go to the commissary or exchange?

Finally, have a life. It is ok. But remember, there is a balance between doing things to occupy yourself while he is gone, and yet not being so busy that when he is home you are not. These are the keys that have helped me, Is our lifestyle ideal? Maybe not, but this is where we are at. Jared’s  commitments to the Navy is an aspect that I have no control over – it is his life. My job is to keep my attitude right, do the things that God puts in my hand as best I may.